Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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