I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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