God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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