I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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