Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
