Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
