you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You have to summon your inner elephant
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
