I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I smell like Dick and happiness
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
