Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
