I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
