I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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