I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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