I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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