My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
