I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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