Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
