I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
