You can't special order awesome
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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