i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
dude. I can hear the air.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
