I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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