if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
