yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
