plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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