You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
