Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
