you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
