i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
