I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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