Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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