I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
