eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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