I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
