she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
