I think I just saw someone hide a body.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i dont even know how to be here
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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