Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
