she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
