sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
