Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
