All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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