The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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