At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
