Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
