I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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