I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
