I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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