this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
