Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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