Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
