I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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