i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
