Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
