i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
