I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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