I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
