you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
