whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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