I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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