I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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