Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
