you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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