Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
