dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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