she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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