This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize